Last week, while having the world's best breakfast burrito, I was approached by two of Leucadia's more colorful characters. These gentleman, with too much time on their hands, decided that I needed to do a column about Qualuidians. More to the point they had a check list of all things Leucadian. Curious, I asked them to expand on the topic. Before long there were six of us sitting around creating the first draft of the "How To Know if you're a Leucadian Quiz." It's amazing how much coffee one can drink in the name of journalistic pursuits. Three hours later I was on my way home to create a public service document, that I hope will be used for years to come.

The reason I am concerned in longevity of this quiz, is because I hope it will be used in the future to help screen potential residents. Considering that SANDAG is projecting more than another million people crowding into San Diego County, I feel prospective residents should be required to qualify for the honor of calling Leucadia home.

I realize this might, at first, be an unpopular idea, after all nobody likes to take a test. But then to achieve American citizenship, to get your drivers license, and to get into most universities, you have to check more than a few boxes. Of course certain questions will change over time, but that can't be helped due to the nature of chaos.

The test is simple, answer all inquiries truthfully. Anyone who would lie to themselves in regards to their grooviness, needs more help than modern science currently offers, and should consider taking up a useful hobby like smoking crack. Failing this quiz does not mean immediate extradition to New Encinitas, although relocation will be encouraged. No.2 pencil optional.

Multiple Choice

1. Of the following which wouldn't a Leucadian own:
   1. a Skate board
   2. a Surf board
   3. a Boogie board
   4. a Bicycle
   5. none of the above
2. A Leucadian watches the sun set at least:
   1. once a day
   2. once a week
   3. twice a week
   4. twice a month
3. The Jesus is Lord Nursery is:
   1. a place I would never go
   2. Leucadia's best known landmark
   3. yet another flower business threathened by development
   4. all of the above
4. The Hinkley-Schmidt man's name is:
   1. Sunshine
   2. Fabio
   3. Keith
   4. Glenn
   5. none of the above
5. A Tree Hugger is:
   1. an anti-American eco-facist
   2. a nature worshipping heathen freak
   3. a concerned environmentalist
   4. someone with an oak fetish
6. Likes the taste of:
   1. wheat grass
   2. Colt 45 malt liquor
   3. a Jumbo Jack
   4. wraps
7. "I work a full day because..."
   1. I want to.
   2. My mom makes me
   3. that's what it takes to get ahead
   4. I want a new Beemer
8. Bush Gardens is:
   1. the grounds surrounding the Presidential library
   2. a place where incarcerated sea mammals jump through hoops
   3. a nudist beach known only to locals
   4. a memory
   5. all of the above
9. Knows the difference between:
   1. Bean Sprouts and Alfalfa sproats
   2. Flip Flops and Teevas
   3. skunk and skunky
   4. locals and locals only
   5. all of the above
10. Michelle Amieux is:
    1. the French woman who discovered Leucadia
    2. a famous blues singer
    3. the bartender at the Leucadian
    4. Mick Jaggers mistress

True or False

11. I have a Leucadia P.O Box.
12. Spandex riding shorts are the ultimate in cycling attire.
13. Nothing comes between me and my Baggies.
14. We don't need no stinkin' beaches.
15. My grampa used to grow flowers.
16. I recycle.
17. Papa Gus makes the best Breakfast Burrito in the world.
18. Golf Courses are evil.
19. Adopting feral cats is rewarding.
20. The Beach News used to be called the Coast News.

Extra Credit:

If you can answer yes to one of the following statements add an additional five points.

21. I voted for Sheila Cameron.
22. I received a ticket for crossing the tracks.
23. I enjoy speaking in front of a hostile city council.
24. Sorry I'm late for work. I just witnessed a train fatality.
25. My mother loves my dreadlocks.

There is a total of 30 points possible. To consider yourself a true Leucadian you must have a score of 25. Those of you scoring 20 or more, there is still hope. All others, fear not, at least you can tell your friends you know some. Those readers who would like to have input on the upcoming "How to Tell you are a Del Martian Quiz."

Please e-mail me at [deprecated email address]