Recently on of my readers wrote a letter to the editor saying that I should be cloned. At first I wasn't sure if I should be insulted or just amused. After thinking about it for awhile I realized that Diane Fantacone of Vista is a genius, and in fact we should both be cloned. Maybe I'm biased, but I do think the world would be a much better place if there were hundreds of Bobs asking people to look at the role they play in the destruction of the planet. But after some reflection I decided that was way too excessive. Hell, I have a problem with people having two kids, having a hundred is insane.
What Ms. Fantacone has brought to my attention is the answer to overpopulation. We are talking Zero Population Growth. Not only are we talking about an end to the population problem, we can also end the crime of the inheritance tax. We could put a stop to the needless butt kissing of greedy relatives waiting for you to kick the bucket. Most convincing however is that this could be the answer for the religiously inclined wishing to avoid S.E.X. Here is how it works.
First you sock away some DNA while you're young and healthy. Next you set up a trust fund for your future self. Once that is completed you you will need to amass a small fortune, which should be easy because you have decided not to have kids. Now if your siblings are like mine they will have plenty of children or grandchildren to chose your next parent from. As you help raise this child shower them with gifts, take them to Europe, basically make them your friend, which will come in handy when they are up all night bottle feeding you.
Note: you do not want to have your own child raising your clone. First of all it is redundant and second, revenge is never pretty.
Next comes the paper work. Besides all the legal mumbo jumbo that you will need to wade through to make sure you get what's coming to you, namely all your money and stuff. You will also need to keep a detailed diary so that you can read what you have already accomplished. Personally I am going to make this column and everything I have ever written required reading. Momentum is everything! Having me read me is totally Twilight Zone. Picture if you will a boy reading the works of the man he was. I should also include all my television apperances so I will know what hair styles to avoid. Perhaps if we could have given John Muir, Rachel Carson or Aldo Leopold a second shot maybe we wouldn't be in the awful mess we are in.
Folks what we are talking about here is technological reincarnation. Now I know some of you are saying, " Slow down bucko, I thought you were a Luddite." Relax folks, we have just got to be honest.
Technology is here to stay for the time being so we must turn it away from the dark side. Let us not forget that even Yoda knew how to use a light saber. Using technology to address overpopulation is good, and no I am not talking about Nagasaki, Napalm, and Nicotine. All over the world the DNA of species are being preserved as a last ditch effort against extinction. Sad yet necessary, I figure there is room for Diane and me in the Techno Ark.
Anthropologically speaking this is a perfect example of a mammalian effort to insure that DNA is passed on. Oh sure, it's not as glamorous as impregnating as many women as possible, or having a harem of female impalas at your beck and call, but at least you will always know what color to paint the nursery. The old saying, "If only I could do it all over again" is starting to look plausible. Dolly was cloned. Does anyone remember the name of the clone? Recently I heard that ProBio America of Honolulu has cloned 50 mice from the same animal, if they hurry they could probably clone Don Ho.
Here's an idea. I am going to initiate the first official Observations from the Edge survey. I request that all Coast News readers send me a list of the 10 people you would most like to see cloned and why. In a future column I will share my findings.I can be reached here at the paper or by E-mail at [defunct email address]. Do you think it is too late to clone John Denver?