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A Letter to the Fat Man
Observations from the Edge
Robert T. Nanninga
December 17, 1998
Sorry it has taken me so long to write. Things have kept me busy, and considering you are just a myth, I figured this could wait. I know that I have disparaged you in the past, but hey, I'll throw reason to the wind and cover all my bases. Besides, as I write this, Baghdad is under attack and I figured a diversion was in order.
Realizing that you are a myth, I have prepared a Christmas list of mythic proportions, I also realize that you have a lot of the requests to consider. Not meaning to discredit the importance of senseless consumption, or Barbie's Corvette, I would ask that you take care of my few requests first.
If it is not to much to ask for, could please find some open space for the coyote who ate my cat Uni Sashimi. I realize that you can not raise pets from the dead, (that is the work of Stephan King), I humbly ask that you find vital habit for local wildlife so that they will find it unnecessary to find food and refuge in our overcrowded human environs.
Next, in order of importance, I would really appreciate a building moratorium in coastal North County until a regional policy review is conducted. I know that sounds like a lot to ask, but considering it's implications, you would actually be giving everyone a gift by granting me mine.
Thirdly, if that's a word, do you think you could invent a veggie burger that is not held together with eggs. I'm sure you see the irony of using an infertile by-product of a chicken's reproductive system in a vegetarian sandwich patty. Also, please look into the whole poultry issue, I mean it's not like chickens don't deserve to have a merry Christmas.
While I am on the subject of those deserving of a Joyous Noel perhaps you can see to the freeing of the minks that are currently in line to be anally electrocuted. And while you are at it, how about finding it in your heart to grant all the animals currently involved in vivisection and another forms of research a pardon. Talk about goodwill gestures. Oh Yeah, it is also time you gave the fur lining on your coat a decent burial.
Let's see, what else? Mass transit, definitely mass transit. I'm sure those of you living at the North Pole are more than aware about the effects of Global warming. News is that the hole in the ozone layer is melting the polar ice caps. By giving those of us here in the San Diego region, a low-cost reliable monorail, you will be helping polar bears and penguins, as well as all of us drivers who could live without the costly freedom of fossil fuels.
Next on the list is oak trees, lots of them. Sycamores would also be nice. In fact while you are at it, why don't you take all the eucalyptus trees back to Australia. I sure they are lonely for the sound of the Kookaburra. Now that I think of it , this too would be a considerable goodwill mission on your part. Relocating environmental refuges is all the rage now. You could replant most of the deforested regions of the world just by returning most of Southern California's non-native flora to it's region of origin.
Do you think maybe you could give Doug Manchester a job in your workshop. Little Dougie really likes to build things, so maybe you can find a place for him in your dollhouse division. I'm sure Malibu Barbie needs a beach resort much more than the people of Oceanside.
Also on my list is more organic markets. I don't know about you, but I prefer to eat vegetables that have not been dosed with all sorts of pesticides, herbicides, fungicides, and other testaments to the cult of science. Word is that even your stomping ground is feeling the impact of the industrial pollution that drains off the world's agricultural endeavors. Clean water would be a wonderful gift to the world, don't you think?
And last, but certainly not least, could you please make the Republicans tell the truth for once. Oh sure it is easy to point the finger at Bill Clinton, but who do they think they are fooling? Everytime they scream morals you can see there noses grow. Granted Bill has lied about sex, but until he is found with his cigar on the "Button" I see no reason to panic. After all one man's sin is another man's nookie.
P.S.- Please make sure everyone gets a pack of condoms in their stockings this year. This will eventually reduce your workload.
P.S.S - If you are unable to provide these things I will settle for a Post Menopausal Lesbian Barbie.
Yours in Doubt
Robert T. Nanninga