Recently the editors of an earth wise spirituality magazine asked readers to create a new deity to be added to the world pantheon of Gods and Goddesses. Now here is a contest that I could get behind. Granted it’s not the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, but it doesn’t hurt to try writing for a different audience. Besides, it’s not often one gets to create a deity?

In my book humans create Gods, so that limited my choice of candidates to nominate for ascension to Mount Olympus to mingle with Zeus and Hera. Gods and Goddesses in turn help create culture, which shape individuals buying into the tenets of faith. The deity must also inspire believers through ascribed scripture, and or ritual. And if they are to survive, the God or Goddess must possess the ability to transcend generational boundaries. That’s when it hit me, Barbie deserves to be worshiped as the Goddess of Perpetual Consumption.

Created in 1959, Barbie Millicent Roberts was born from the mind of a woman here to be known as Mother Ruth. Possessing supranatural powers, Barbie quickly became all things, to all people. Reflecting all nationalities in their pursuit of plastic perfection, Barbie is astronaut and angel, doctor and dancer. Eternally young Barbie shows no sign of aging, is chaste and forthright, while providing for the sick and unfashionable, where ever they maybe. Ken, her male counterpoint, is equally virtuous representing the best of what the market has to offer.

Barbie is already worshiped by females of all ages, seeing her as the ultimate achievement in femininity. Some devotees sacrifice their health to resemble Barbie, their suffering seen as pious penance. Males of our culture seek women who strive to be all things Barbie hoping to achieve hegemonic harmony. Thankfully, Barbie has recreated consumer culture in her own image, promising Malibu townhouses and Corvettes to all who would believe. I myself have several fetish dolls around the house, to remind me that Barbie is but a wish and credit card away.

There are many ways to worship at Barbie’s temple of holy consumption. Pagan Barbie accompanies me when I spend time in the wilderness. She is also makes an appearance at most holiday gatherings. Dressed for the occasion, as only she can, Barbie brings joy to all she touches. She also reminds us that there was no life before the mall, and without unlimited shopping the world would be thrown into to the deepest hell of want, despair, and a serious a lack of accessories. Girls in my family receive a Barbie on their third Christmas, an important ritual, which prepares them for a life among the recreationally impaired. I get goose bumps just thinking about it.

Considering consumption has become the American way of life, it is vital that consumers be given someone to pray to when they need more stuff. Need a ski outfit to match the color of your hair extensions? Pray to Barbie. Tired of your mundane job, and seek adventure as a big-breasted lifeguard? Pray to Barbie. Who better than Barbie to fulfill the dreams of consumers everywhere? Where Christianity speaks of sin and salvation, and Hinduism of karmic balance, The Church of Barbie promises joyful abandon in a world of unending abundance.

Americans deserve to have a Goddess in step with their commitment to perpetual consumption. No guilt, only glitter, Barbie is the Goddess of the new millennium and should be recognized as such.