Dear Santa,

It's me again. As usual, I will keep my comments brief, as I know Christmas consumerism keeps you extremely in busy in December. I hope global warming has not affected you and the elves negatively, and that this letter finds you and Mrs. Claus happy, healthy, and in fine holiday spirits.

Knowing you don't exist, and never have, makes it easier to write you each subsequent year. Once a ruse created by parents trying to quiet greedy children, the Christmas lists of my childhood naturally evolved into an annual Christmas letter. A ritual similar to the Festivus tradition of airing grievances, my Christmas correspondence serves as a literary muse, as to capitalize on the myth of Christmas giving.

When in Rome, right?

A rocket scientist, I'm sure you understand the mayhem caused by your failure to fulfill last year's wish list. Come on Santa; is environmental sustainability, ethical governance, world peace, a cure for AIDS, and civil rights for all primates, whales, and dolphins too much to ask?

Barbies are nice, but healthy oceans are a higher priority. Clean air is cool too.

This year my list is pretty much the same, with just a few additions.

Next year, the congressional district in which I live, the 50th, will have a chance to vote for congress at least 3 times. With the possibility of electing two people to the same office, 2006 will provide you plenty of opportunity to come through on the ethical governance and environmental sustainability. My Christmas wish is that we the people of the 50th district send a woman to Congress. Two immediately come to mind, but since you are the ultimate authority on who's been naughty and who's been nice, naming names would be pointless.

As for world peace, I can't be more ardent in wishing you would work your fabled magic, end the American occupation of Iraq, bringing home all American military personnel in the process. If this occurs o you as overreaching, be assured I'm not the first person to ask a higher power for a Christmas miracle.

Regarding civil rights for all primates, please do something to hasten the decriminalization of Marijuana. I'm sure you of all people comprehend the potential tax revenue to be made from the legalization of the species known globally as cannabis. Other than California secession, I can't think of a better gift to give to the California economy.

As you know, I spend a great deal of time contemplating the actions of others, and the long-term implications resulting from the observed actions. This year, like last year, I hope you can fashion a few clues for George W. Bush and the corporate neocons pulling his strings.

Considering it's too late to properly educate these faith based warmongers, and honesty is out of the question, any reality checks left under their trees would need to be bigger than Hurricane Katrina to garner their attention.

I'm sure George W. could also use a new bike. Known for falling off his numerous mountain bikes, training wheels would prevent presidential abrasions and keep dastardly Dick from becoming president.

And please, no lumps of coal in the stockings of this lot. As bad as they may be, any coal received would be interpreted as a mandate to continue mountain top mining and further pillaging of the world's natural resources.

Speaking of natural resources, the children of the Middle East could sure use some help. I know a prosperous future is a huge request, but rampant violence, depleted uranium pollution, and an army of suicide bombers is hardly deserved.

Writing this, I realize there is little you can do to promote peace on earth and good will to all species on the planet. As a corporate myth, your role in the lunacy of Christmas is to inspire avarice, envy, and want, in epic proportions, those trying to put Christ back in Christmas obviously missed the memo. Consumerism is the reason for the season; to believe otherwise is faith-based folly bordering on delusion.

Well, that does it for this year. If you were real, I would expect a response and some action on a few of these items. Since you are nothing more than a corporate tool, I will be content with you providing me a journalistic ruse from which to work.

Merry Christmas Santa, thanks for nothing!