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Facing up to crimes of fashion

Observations from the Edge
Robert T. Nanninga
Buzz Publications
June 4, 2006


After decades of contemplation I have finally come to the conclusion, that there are some facial piercings that should be considered crimes of fashion on 99.9 percent of humanity, 99.9 % of the time. Unfortunately a growing number of people are unable to distinguish the line between freakish and fashionable.

Even though there are exceptions to every rule, when it comes to facial piercings, most exceptions were exhausted in the 80's, along with Dallas, Dynasty, and patience for all things Boy George.

Hands down, the most unattractive piercing in the history of the suburban slacker is the lip ring, followed closely by tongue bars, and the solitary eyebrow ring. Personally I have yet to see a lip ring that didn't look stupid, nasty, and decisively low class. Gnarly, bordering on Gnar-Gnar, lip rings are for people trying to avoid sex, and other forms of sexual intimacy.

Not long ago I was confronted challenge of not offending a woman and her daughter. The daughter, who seemed a perfectly sensible sixteen year old, had a large lip ring in the middle of her lower lip. As a teenager her job is to test boundaries set by society and parental units, so my problem was not with her, as she would remove the jewelry as soon as another teenager showed interest in swapping spit.

My problem was with the mom, who in her dereliction of duties, allowed her beautiful daughter to ugly up with size inappropriate jewelry. Had this child been all gothed out, with jet-black hair, pale makeup, and Marilyn Manson attire, it at least would of made sense. This kid looked more like a young republican on her way to church camp.

As she bought her daughter a triple latte, I had to fight back the urge to scream "bad mom." I also forced my self to not comment on hardware protruding from her face. Sorry folks, be it darling daughters are diesel dykes; lip rings are never cool and never attractive.

Tongue bars are less objectionable only because they can remain hidden in a closed mouth. Which ironically is an ideal situation, as I have found people with pierced tongues usually have little to say that is of any interest, as these individual lack a certain level of critical thinking skills. I also believe that people who nervously play with their tongue piercing should be slapped silly at every opportunity. Tongue piercings are for people who prefer the taste of metal in an open wound, as opposed to the nuanced flavors of favorite foods.

Last week I was introduced to a handsome young accountant from Kentucky. A 6'2, blond, with blue eyes, and seemingly well endowed, why he needed to deface his face escaped me. The size and strength of his grip, told me there was more to this mild mannered number cruncher. A tasty morsel except for the stupid piece of jewelry trying to escape the confines of his left eyebrow, the due needed an aesthetic intervention.

Kentucky, just as I feel sorry for anyone clueless enough to think a lip ring is sexy, or a pierced tongue is anything other than a waste of money.

This is not to say all facial piercing are wrong, unattractive and stupid. A septum piercing on the right man can be savagely sexy, just as a gold nose stud could perfectly accessorize the well-dressed lipstick lesbian.

While I'm on the subject of piercing and body modifications, allow me to go on record saying ear extenders, that stretch ear lobes to unnatural lengths look stupid on 99.9 % of the people foolish enough to go there.

Please, don't go there.

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