It's me again...Bob. You know the unbeliever from Leucadia. This year, in my annual Christmas letter I promise to take it easy on you, as you are so nearly played out anything else would seem cruel.
After reviewing last year's letter, I must commend you on your consistency, as usual you did not fail in failing me, as none of my Christmas wishes were granted. Of course I don't hold you responsible, as you are nothing more than a myth born of the market place. As a capitalist tool, your effectiveness is nonexistent, outside of extortion schemes and holiday sales.
This year I thought I would encourage you to redesign your gift giving parameters so as to reflect the changing world. During your December drive-by it is my wish you would stop toying with the children of the world, and focus on education and universal health care.
Let's face it, an old fat man invoked on the promise of presents, seems a disservice to future generations. Instead of toys, perhaps you could provide parents with more time to spend with their children. It is here that the legacy of life is passed on. As for children, perhaps you can put your elves to work in the laboratory finding a childhood vaccination for greed.
Books are a good gift for children, as is the ability to read. This year please focus your gift giving powers on reading and readers. Kids don't need more plastic crap polluting their lives, they need critical thinking skills like never before.
By cutting back on holiday travel, you would be contributing significantly to the improvement of human and reindeer relations. In fact, you could redefine your entire image by losing the fur, losing weight, and becoming a spokes myth for voluntary simplicity and deep ecology. And please, stop entering peoples homes in the middle of the night. It's just creepy.
To help you make this ethical shift, I suggest giving gifts that educate and elevate kids beyond the plastic driven status quo. Perhaps you and Jesus could team up to teach people about the importance of reverence, and respect for living gently on the planet, and allowing others to do the same.
If you really want to make things really easy I suggest you give every kid a copy of Ingrid Newkirk's 50 Awesome Ways Kids can Help Animals - Fun and Easy Ways to be a Kind Kid. Newkirk, the co-founder and president of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), is an icon of the Animal rights movement, and a gentle educator. Originally published in 1991, this updated version is a gift that would keep on giving as it encourages young people to become active in protecting the world that is their inheritance.
So Santa, that's it for me this year, I hope the ice beneath your feet supports you and yours for another year.