Dear Santa.

Yeah, it's me. I know I said I was never going to write again, but the Solstice Fairy told me to stop writing her and to, I quote, "Stop wasting time and trees." The Solstice Fairy can be a bit cold.

Recently a reader asked me to share the top five items on my Christmas wish list, and to be honest I was stumped. Speechless, I recovered quickly and suggested he read my column. Hence the reason I'm writing. O.K. So you're a tool, get over it. At least I'm writing. Thereby validating your non-existence. Right?

I guess my first wish would be that you give every warmonger in the Bush Administration a change of heart, assuming they have one. With this change of heart they might find the courage to allow every member of the US military to opt out of Iraqi deployment if they feel the occupation of Baghdad no longer serves the greater good.

Of course I don't expect this, it's a tall order and elves can only be expected to work up so much magic. Bicycles and Barbie's are one thing, striking visions of global hegemony from the heads of the Team Bush falls into the miracle category. And as we all know that that is Baby Jesus's department.

My second wish is an immediate cultural shift towards rational population limits, consensual birth control, and pragmatic family planning. Yeah I know that cuts into the toy market, but it's my wish, and I'm going to put it out there. It's not like I'm a misanthrope. I like people, I would just like them a lot more if there were a great deal less.

At the root of all environmental and ecological problems is human over population. Over population coupled with over consumption has made the human condition precarious and Al Gore Jr. the man he is today. So Santa? If you see Al while visiting Tennessee you might suggest he start talking about the connection between climate change and human overpopulation.

It certainly couldn't hurt, and just might help.

Third on the list is a planetary sense of responsibility combined with a collective green thumb. The only way to enjoy a garden is to have a garden and, correct me if I'm wrong, planet earth is the only garden humans are actually sure of. Isn't it time we started to appreciate the Biosphere for being more than a cash cow to be beaten at will and covered in landfills?

Fourth is a wish for the rewilding of North America. This is a wish for a return of native species, habitat protection, ecosystem restoration, and critical conservation measures. In this regard please give every California property owner a clue. If they don't want a clue, perhaps a one way ticket to China will be more to their liking.

Fifth on my list is that you boycott the Japanese until they stop executing whales, Iran until they stop executing homosexuals, and Israel until they recognize and make room for a Palestinian state. I'm sure the reindeer will appreciate a lighter load. And think of the time you will save by limiting your generosity.

Sixth on my list is that they stop making movies about you. One way to achieve this is to drop a chunk of coal, preferably while passing overhead in your sleigh, on Hollywood producers greenlighting anything remotely connected to your yearly gift giving binge. If asked nicely I bet the reindeer would drop a few presents of their own.

Last and certainly not least on my list, is a wish for rain, not enough to justify more urban sprawl mind you, but enough to mitigate drought. Do what you can, although this probably falls into the Baby Jesus department too.

Hope this letter finds you high and dry in the rapidly melting Arctic. You deserve no less.

Keep Leucadia Funky,

Bob